


Lost

by LittleSilverBirds



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-26 20:31:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1701581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSilverBirds/pseuds/LittleSilverBirds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little ficlet to make up for inactivity. I'm sorry its sad, I've been sad lately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Its also kind of a draft of something I meant to do so I just changed it up a little for destiel and it became an AU

He answered his phone around seven to an unknown number, shoving another Dorito in his mouth because fuck it he’s hungry even after dinner. Well, he and Sammy were on their own tonight since mom was visiting old friends, so it’d been beans on toast because he couldn’t be assed making real food.

The ball of nerves in his gut tightened when it was Gabriel who spoke, “Dean?”

“Gabriel?” he put the bag of corn chips aside and sat a little straighter. Cas’ brother never called him, barely even spoke to him other than to remark on how he only got gayer the more he saw him.

“Is Cas with you?” he asked, half on his way to sounding on the verge of a panic attack, “Please tell me he’s with you.”

“No he’s not- Gabe whats going on?”

Sam glanced up at him from his homework, mouthing “Who’s that?” Dean held up a hand for quiet as Gabriel started again, more strained than before.

“Fuck- He’s gone, he just ran off without a word.”

“Have you tried Charlie or-“

“For fucks sake Dean of course I have! I don’t know where the-“

“Hey!” Dean got up and paced through to the kitchen in his socks to put the Dorito’s back, “Dont yell at me, its not gonna help.”

Gabriel sighed and there was a few seconds of silence before he mumbled an apology.

“Okay,” he said once Gabriels breathing got quieter, “Maybe he’s just gone for a walk?”

“He ran out in his socks without a jacket, Dean. He stood up and said he couldn’t pretend it was normal and it never would be, then left.”

Dean frowned, exchanging a confused glance with Sam with a shrug, “What wouldn’t be normal?”

“He hasn’t told you?”

“Obviously.”

“Anna’s dead, Dean,” he heard the waver there and he didn’t quite believe Gabe at first, then it slowly sank in, “Car accident. I don’t...”

Another trembling sigh and he waited, ignoring the sudden weight hanging in his chest. He’d been friends with Anna, good friends. The fact Castiel hadn’t told him was...he couldn’t be angry because he acted the same way when his dad died but it was almost like betrayal how Cas felt he couldn’t tell Dean. Especially since he and Anna knew each other so well.

“I fucked up Dean,” he heard Gabriel say, “I couldn’t keep him safe and-“

“Hey, keep it together man,” Dean told him, Sam put down his pencil and made a face like Dean should friggin’ explain what the fuck was going on. He tried to think of all Cas’ safe places, the ones he might go to. Then he heard the click of mental jigsaw pieces fitting together and he had it, “Gabe I need you to look after Sammy.”

He made sure to give his brother a look, ‘Dont argue with me, mom will kill me if I leave you,’ and listened to Gabriel huffing on his end, “I just told you Cas is missing and you want me to babysit?”

“Its only a couple hours,” he went to the closet to grab his jacket and shoes, “I know where he is.”

* * *

 

They’d been only ten at the time, and Cas was a skinny, scrawny thing that the bullies seemed to love calling all sorts of names, and he and Dean had only just met. Castiel had been too timid to say anything, probably because he hung around with the bigger kids. And one day Dean caught them in the act of making fun of the little dark haired kid with blue eyes, and threw little rocks at them to get them to chase him instead. He saw Castiel slip away round the corner when they knocked him over.

Dean had been a little bigger than Castiel, so when he found the gate behind the school Castiel had slipped under, the one that led to the back door of the music room, he had to jiggle the lock with a couple of bobby pins. His dad showed him that.

The gate was open today, a couple of bobby pins stuck in the lock. Dean showed Cas how to do that when he got too big to slide under. It gave a quiet, rusty creak when he pulled it open and shut. A little sliver of light came from the fire door slightly open (It’s always been broken and doesn’t even set off an alarm anymore, thats why they locked up the gate) and Dean knew he was right.

The little room was filled with old keyboards and guitars that desperately needed new strings, triangles bent out of shape and tambourines missing those jingly things. A sorry excuse for a music room that no one used for as long as Dean could remember. But one Castiel picked to hide in.

He heard the quiet sniffling from the closet, and had a sudden image of two kids crouched in the small space, one with sticky cheeks and scraped bloody knees and hands and the other a bruised eye. He leaned on the wall by the door, sliding down to sit on the dirty linoleum floor. Dean swore he saw a rat scurrying behind a drumset.

“Cas,” he mumbled, and the sniffling stopped, “I know you’re there.”

“How’d you f-find me?” came his thick voice and Deans heart cracked.

“Lucky guess. What’re you doing in there, silly?”

Cas sniffed again, “Its quiet and s’dark,” he paused, “My heads too loud, Dean.”

“I know love. Gabriel told me about...”

“Oh,” a trembling exhale, and a shuddering inhale, “I know she’s gone but I cant- I cant let it-“

His heart broke for real at the way his voice cracked, how he couldn’t seem to find words for anything. He wanted to tell Cas it was okay but it so clearly wasn’t. Instead he told Cas he was here and waited for him to open the door, listening to the breath catching in his throat wishing he was out here already.

Castiel was close to Anna, closer than anyone was. He’s lost without her really. Dean was lost without John for a while, he coped. But everyones different.

“Cas,” he said after a few minutes, “Baby open the door, please.”

He heard some shuffling and a second later the door swung slowly open and Dean was faced with a wet cheeked, red eyed Cas. All skinny arms wrapped around long legs, he looked so small. Dean opened his arms for Cas to crawl into his lap and allow himself be held.

Dean kissed his forehead, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Cas didn’t answer but pushed his face into the crook of Deans neck and Dean felt a sort of warm wetness soaking into his shirt collar. “I just want her back,” he whimpered, “I- Dean tell me this is all just a nightmare and...”

“Shh,” Dean soothed as he trembled. He shut his eyes and buried his face in the dark tangle of hair on Cas’ head trying to stave off tears of his own. “I’m so sorry Cas.”

It took a long while to calm Cas, and it got dark before either of them said a word to the other, and in the end it was Dean to say they should leave before they got caught. Even if this room was basically not even part of the school, there was still a chance they’d get found out.

Cas’ socks had various holes in them and he remembered how Gabe said he’d run out, not even bothering with shoes. The gravel and hard sidewalks would’ve hurt the soles of his feet. He jogged, he wasn’t superhuman.

He thought Cas might protest when Dean scooped him up, he hated being seen as weak or incapable. But he looked too tired to. Instead he told Dean “Anywhere but home.” And Dean understood, that feeling of not wanting to be at home near things they’ve touched, where they lived and breathed.

Cas wasn’t that heavy either, it wasn’t hard and Cas was quiet, his breath warming Deans neck with each exhale. And this way he could just slip him into the car. It’d been raining since they were in there, a light drizzle that dampened the ground and settled in Cas’ hair.

“I don’t need to be carried,” he said halfway to the car, “I’m not a child.”

“Too late for that, Cas. Almost there and besides,” he ducked his head a little closer, “I kinda like doing it.”

Cas didn’t smile, “You used to call me a baby in a trench coat.”

“A sneaky way of calling you baby before I worked up the balls to ask you out.”

He set Cas down on the hood to open the car door for him with the intention of keeping his feet dry but Cas just walked anyway. Dean didn’t even snap at him for putting his feet up on the dash this time. He looked so run down that he didn’t have the heart to do it.

Dean almost forgot to pick up Sam on the way. He explained to Gabriel Cas was fine, he found him and he was staying over. He was less than pleased but relented, only telling him to look after Cas and all that older brother crap. Back in the car Dean would’ve thought he was asleep if his eyes didn’t keep going to where Deans hands sat on the wheel.

He gave Sam some money to order pizza, even this late, because he didn’t know what else to do. Cas went upstairs to shower, change into the pyjamas Gabe gave him that had little dinosaurs on the pants. He always wore these nerdy things, but thats just Cas. He liked that sort of stuff.

The boy sat cross legged on Deans bed staring into space like thats the only thing he could do. He didn’t even stir when Dean sat by him, having changed into his own pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Cas hijacked Deans Led Zepplin shirt, it hung loosely from his shoulders. He hadn’t quite bulked out yet but Dean guessed that’d come soon.

“Hey,” he whispered like Cas would shatter if he spoke too loud, “We’re gonna have a guys night in, just me, you and Sammy with some Star Wars and pizza. Hows that sound?”

Cas shook his head, shutting his eyes and a droplet of water from his hair ran down the side of his face, “I’m sorry, I... It wont make it alright I’m sorry.”

Dean sighed and stared at his sock feet, “I know. But I just,” he took a breath that shuddered just a little, “I don’t know what else I can do.” He glanced up to Cas who was looking at him now, “Tell me what I have to do.”

His small blue bedroom was probably worlds away from being any form of comforting. Just the same old sun bleached walls, posters and socks. The place was barely big enough to fit his bed and dresser in side by side. The twin mattress was only just big enough to accommodate him and Cas and most days led to elbows in sides and knees in uncomfortable places. Small, but it served its purpose, except not the one Dean wanted which was for Cas to be okay.

Cas, slowly, took his hand between his, kissed the palm and pressed it to his cheek, “You’re here. You’re trying at least, and you’re not pretending.” He gave a quiet sigh and laced their fingers together, “It just hurts, Dean. It hurts so much.”

“I know baby,” he shifted closer to Cas, pressing a kiss to his wet hair, “If I could bring her back I would, I’d do anything.”

“Can we...can we not talk about her? Please?” he turned his head to mumble into Deans palm, “I just want to forget for a few hours.”

“Okay Cas, yeah. How about I let you snuggle right up to me under a big pile of blankets and I’ll even let you sleep through it. You look beat.”

“I am. Please...” Cas trembled a little again, his lips stretching into a thin line where he tried not to cry or let out a sound. Dean swiped away a stray tear and enveloped him in his arms, raining kisses on his temple. He hushed and soothed him for another minute or two. The front door opened and shut, Sam yelled up that the food was here, and Dean ignored it while Cas took steadying breaths and fisted a hand in Deans t-shirt. 

“C’mon,” Dean murmured at a particularly loud sound from Cas’ stomach, “You’re hungry. I’d be a horrible boyfriend if I didn’t feed you. You ready?”

Cas swallowed, nodding weakly. Downstairs he managed one piece of pizza, and a few bites of Deans when offered. Sam found the energy to call them gross, telling them it was unhygienic sharing food and Dean saw fit to remind him he’s had his tongue in Castiels mouth so whats the difference. Castiel settled against his side under his arm with a blanket thrown over the two of them, and fell asleep like that pretty fast. In his sleep he looked perfectly serene, snoring a little on Deans chest dead to the world like he hadn’t slept in days. But of course Dean knew it’d be a long time though before he was really okay.


End file.
